Communication 101: Class is in Session
A few weeks ago we talked about emotional intelligence, and in developing that blog I got thinking about where in our daily lives emotional intelligence actually shows up. My initial reaction was communication skills. Communication is something almost every person does on a daily basis, to themselves, to a pet, at work, in their personal life, both verbally and nonverbally.
Practicing effective communication is a way to practice self care, reduce stress, unlearn habits of people pleasing, and feel more confident. And since emotional intelligence is really about identifying what you feel and using that information well, communication is where all of that identification actually gets put into words, tone, and action.
If you know me personally, but haven't talked to me in the last five years, you might be questioning who I am to write about effective communication. Surprise, I now identify as a recovered people pleaser and can confidently say I communicate very well. (More about people pleasing in another blog.)
Let's talk about communication. Something I read in Brené Brown's book Dare to Lead has always stuck with me, and helped me through unlearning my people pleasing tendencies. The quote is "clear is kind" (Brown, 2018). I take this as being clear and direct with our words can feel demanding and "mean" if you are a people pleasing person. Direct and mean are not synonymous. But when we aren't direct, we are being unkind to both ourselves and the other person. We leave room for ambiguity, which can lead to frustration and even deeper resentment.
So let's keep kindness and clarity in mind throughout. I am a supporter of the statement "it isn't always what you say but how you say it," and I like to even extend that to "how you 'say' it" dipping into nonverbal communication.
Nonverbal communication includes tone, body language, facial expressions, hand gestures, eye contact, and social space (Cleveland Clinic, 2025). These require so much self awareness. I am not saying to not use hand gestures, but to understand that they help convey emotion and meaning without saying it, and can additionally show feeling in a way that words can't (Cleveland Clinic, 2025). Think of someone speaking quietly versus loudly, or someone having zero eye contact compared to someone who uses it too directly. These all convey messages that aren't using words at all.
Once you start paying attention to how something is said, though, the next question is whether you're actually taking in what the other person is saying, which is where active listening comes in.
A sentiment I express to clients during session when they are struggling with communication in their personal life is questioning, "are you listening to understand, or are you listening to respond?" Active listening of course includes the basics of undivided attention. But undivided attention also includes repressing urges to interrupt and rephrasing what you heard to gauge understanding (Emerson, 2023). Brown (2018) offers a simple tool for this too: instead of assuming you already understand what someone means, just ask them to "say more." It's such a small phrase, but it keeps you curious instead of letting you fill in the blanks with your own assumptions, which is its own form of active listening. Once we ensure understanding, we can then respond, keeping in mind clear, kind communication with consideration of body language, tone, and overall demeanor.
As someone who once struggled with communication, I know how dysregulating it can be to speak directly, and I know how poor communication can impact personal relationships and self talk. But as someone who learned and grew in this realm, it is now something I love to work with. If you feel like you could benefit from learning more about how to communicate healthily with both yourself and others, fill out a contact form on my website. I would love to explore this with you.
References
Brown, B. (2018). Dare to lead: Brave work. Tough conversations. Whole hearts. Random House.
Cleveland Clinic. (2025, December 17). Nonverbal communication: What it is, types & examples. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/nonverbal-communication
Emerson, M. S. (2023, August 25). 8 ways you can improve your communication skills. Harvard DCE Professional & Executive Development. https://professional.dce.harvard.edu/blog/8-ways-you-can-improve-your-communication-skills/
